Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.
D. H. Lawrence

I just realized I hadn't updated here about my father..
Everyone has been so kind with their nice notes and messages.
My father unfortunately passed away.
Here is the journal I originally posted about it..

My dad is gone..

Last week was incredibly hard...It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through

My dad was in really bad shape.

We went straight from the airport to my Mom's house to the ICU at the hospital.

He was in so much pain. Even through regular doses of morphine he was moaning and yelling in pain, struggling and shaking through it all.
It seems so unfair that such a good, kind man would have such a hard,undignified death.
He had some form of dementia that the doctors hadn't been able to diagnose/treat. Possibly the cancer had spread..
His body was dying.so his skin had turned yellow. He was covered in a mottle of bruises from all the various needles and tubes..he had lost almost 40 lbs in just a few months..he was skeletal.
He never spoke minus one word on day 2.. "please".

I kept telling my mother that he was in too much pain..but the catch was that more meds could kill him..as if no one wanted to say he was dying already..The doctors were trying various things to bring him out of his "spell" My mom just wanted to be able to have one last talk with her husband, let me have one last talk with my father. I told her it didn't matter if I got to talk to him. I know he loved me and he knew the same..I just wanted him to be comfortable and be able to rest.

He would never be strong enough to have any surgery. We both knew it..she just didn't want to admit it.
I kept softly pushing her to getting him more meds..to just make him as comfortable as possible. She finally agreed to speak with a woman from the Hospice program. We made arrangements for Daddy to be moved from icu back to the oncology ward.
All the various tubes and meds would removed minus a strong constant dose of morphine. This would basically kill him faster, without any medical assistance to keep him alive.

Greg had talked to the hospice woman by himself and she had told him that my father would most likely die within the first night.
Mom didnt seem to realize how quickly this would all happen, so we agreed to take her to dinner and then to home to talk to her about making arrangements with the funeral parlor.

After dinner we went back to the hospital to see daddy settled into the Onc unit.
My mom knew the RN on duty and she told my mom everything we were going to..and that she didn't expect him to last more than a few hours, and to go home and make arrangements. He was beyond seeing anything..

I went in to see him one last time..his eyes were rolled back in his head, his breathing was raspy and erratic..I just kept whispering over and over ..I love you daddy..I love you daddy

We went home, and a couple hours later we got the call that he had died..

The rest of the week was a whirlwind of funeral arrangements...Viewings on Friday..Funeral mass on Saturday..
Of course somewhere in the middle of all this I caught a flu and had fevers and chills for most of this..
Then we flew home Sunday..

home..

I love so many people here, but it isn't home..I dont think it will ever be..












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Joi Carey-Portrait/Fine Art Photographer
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